"What Do I Do Different?"

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my children. 

I have been thinking about what it was like when I was growing up. I ran around the neighborhood until it got dark and my parents yelled for me to come inside, I drank water from the hose, my mom didn’t call me on my cell, I played outside with my friends (not online), I talked to my friends on the phone or face to face (I didn’t text them), I ate what my mom made me or I didn’t eat at all, and many more things like this. I know times have changed and in many ways things are better; but it makes me sad that my kids are missing out on some of this. I love where we live but I don’t feel like we live in a world where my kids can roam the neighborhood freely. And don’t even get me started on the whole socialization and electronics era.

I feel like I am fighting a war with my kids and sometimes neither of us wins. The latest question from my 8 and 6.5 year-old is if they can “connect” with their friends to play games online. My kids rarely play video games but having my two oldest be boys it was inevitable that this issue would come up. My husband and I are currently discussing the matter and one of the games they want to connect with is MineCraft. We have found out from a friend through church that they can create a server for them so only friends we know and invite can be on it (this makes me feel a lot better) but currently my oldest is grounded from electronics until further notice. Electronics in our home is not a “right,” it is a privilege and my children sometimes forget this fact.

Now, I am always annoyed when the time change rolls around because this really messes me up. This last time was worse than ever. I have been getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night for almost a week now. One night I was reading my scriptures and I began to become stressed and overwhelmed. All of a sudden as all these thoughts were in my mind, I heard the question as clear as day, “What do I do different?” My children are not growing up during the same time I was or dealing with exactly the same things. They are growing up in a much more fast paced and instant gratification type of world. How do I get them to slow down? How do I stop them from being so stubborn (which I know is not always a bad thing)? How do I teach them patience when things are so much quicker and easier for them? I mean seriously…what did we all do before we had DVR? LOL

My husband Scott and I were recently discussing how blessed we both were to have such wonderful parents. Now, they weren’t perfect by any means but we both felt pretty lucky. Now that we have 3 children of our own and I am sure we are making many mistakes along the way…the question that keeps pushing into my mind and heart is, “What do we do different?”

Am I destined to be that one parent who doesn’t allow their child to run around the church/office buildings because they aren't being entertained in some fashion? Am I the only parent who doesn’t let their sons play Halo, or other crazy shooting games (a side note: as they get older they will be allowed to play games such as these)? Am I the last mom in the world to think that a child should be able to sit still for a short meeting or get through an appointment without the use of some type of electronic to entertain them (cell phone, iPad, Kindle, etc.). My boys both got Kindles for Christmas and we have the passwords for them and when their homework is done for the week and their chores are done (and they aren’t grounded for some reason) they are given the passwords for them. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to sound “holier than though” in any way and I don’t by any means think that this makes me a better parent than the next person. I have used methods such as these to pacify a crying toddler who just got shots and is immediately soothed by the music from the Disney movie “Frozen.” If a meeting or appointment happens to run longer than expected than my boys can have their Kindles. And SOMETIMES, when we go out to dinner at a restaurant, if the boys have been very good that week they can bring their Kindles to play on – this makes it a much more calm and quiet dinnertime for everyone (which parents need for their sanity sometimes). But like I said, we do this SOMETIMES. When I went out to dinner with my parents growing up I was just fine with the little paper and crayons I had to color on. I believe it is more important to talk as the family than ignore each other with screens.  I usually try to encourage them to bring a book to read or something to color/write on. My boys love to read and that makes me so happy. They love coming home and showing me what they got from the school library that day. Plus, they have an amazing dad who takes them once a week to the local library to stock up on books!

 So, “What do I do different?” How do I teach my kids as they get older that, Video Games, Twitter, YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, and Tinder (apparently this is the coolest new dating app according to my sister) are not the best ways to learn communication skills or how to socialize with people.  I want my children to have great socialization skills and know how to communicate with people in the real world- when it comes to church, family, school, business, and other facets of life. I feel sad that they might not know how important those face-to-face conversations are. They might now know how much fun it is when you’re in love with someone to stay up all hours of the night talking and laughing – INSTEAD of texting! I remember some of the best phone calls Scott and I had getting to know one another.

After staying up late reading my scriptures and thinking about this question well into the next morning, I came to the conclusion that this question is best posed in prayer with my Heavenly Father. Scott and I love our kids with all our hearts and we want the absolute best for them. We are definitely not perfect and will continue to make mistakes along the way. But it is such a comfort to know that we have a Heavenly Father who is there to help guide us as we continue to ask Him, “What do we do different?”

I found a great article on LDS.ORG about parents teaching children from ages 4-11, and here are a few excerpts:

President David O. McKay said, “The home is the best place in the world to teach the child self-restraint, to give him happiness in self-control, and respect for the rights of others. I feel that the first contribution of the home to the happiness of the child is to impress him with the fact that there are bounds beyond which he cannot go with safety; second, to teach him to be considerate of the rights of others; third, to have him feel that home is a place where confidences and consolations are exchanged; and fourth, to have him cherish the thought that home is a haven of seclusion and rest from the worries and perplexities of life.”

Although this article is from awhile back, I love so many of the things it said. In case you’re interested in checking it out here is the link: (it’s a quick read)

https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide/chapter-4-teaching-children-from-four-to-eleven-years?lang=eng

*Oh, and I knew I had seen someone post a quote on facebook about “When I Was Young…” - the first time I saw this I remember how much the words resonated with me.  I am glad I found it to show my kids one day LOL